Like, overwhelmingly, wiggle in my seat style of having to pee. And oddly, I am thirsty. I have been sitting in a parked car talking to my friend Christian for an hour and I don't know about you but when I'm with someone else, just connecting, nothing else exists. I only see hear and feel our conversation, to the exclusion of everything else including bodily functions. So, anyway, I drive away and things like bodily functions enter my awareness around the time Im on the phone and there is a tractor trailer to each side of me and in front of me and I've just merged onto the interstate. And we are sitting dead still. Its 4:30 and I've been going at Mach9 since 4am. Oh yeah- and Im hungry.
In our conversation I told Christian about a book I am about to start called Radical Honestly by Brad somebody. Its pretty rough and could offend many but Im curious about this raw honesty and how it will influence me. I think it already has as you will see. I think the worst times in my life where times I tip-toed trying not to offend, trying hard to please. And the best times were when I was radically honest, and traded the tip toeing for steel toed boots. Or heels :)
So back to the interstate. I noticed that despite the freak-show of annoyances around me, Im just grateful. I know people who are losing people, who are sick themselves, who are dealing with job loss, divorce, and things that can seem insurmountable. I compare some of my recent hurts and Im just grateful today. But, I really have to pee.
So back to grateful and the point here. Its been a rough road but then again whose road hasn't been? Im thrilled to report that I am finding my way back to a zenified (yep, I made that up) place that I was in years ago when I felt empowered instead of disempowered most of the time. And the best part of living in that mindset is you truly honestly believe in your self and don't give a crap what anyone else thinks.
I've been shocked by the successes and failures I've had in the past 7 years. And I've been shocked that even with a constant effort in my mindset, the circumstances I can't control at times, got the best of me. When you're in that zenified place tho, that doesn't happen. You are unaffected. Your pour into others and seem to have an infinite ability. You are so convicted and clear and have no question about what needs to be done and that you're the one to do it. The issue of time, or sacrifice or discomfort never enters your mind. Then there is the other place where you question and doubt everything. Where circumstance rules you. And you start to weigh and measure the outcomes of your efforts and at times, lose belief that what you do matters.
Do ya'll have running conversations of self-talk in your head? Thoughts you want to share (and some you don't?) Today I saw and heard a glimpse of the old zenified voice you know the one. The one that taps into the greatness that the real you is. The one that you try and tell yourself is too egotistical, the one that you fear if you let it show will cause others to talk about you or gasp! Criticize. But its the real you and its AWESOME. Its the first thing our world squashes and teaches you to keep under control or we'd all walk around convinced of our greatness and filled with gratitude.
Well, here is what it said to me. Its said faith and hope is awesome but without works its dead. Its said God, karma, and the universe, whatever you believe in, is NOT going to change your circumstances. Guess what - you will be used, abused, mistreated, and inconvenienced. People you love will come and go in and out of your life and you have no say. You will lose loved ones and you will be hurt. Deeply, life-changingly hurt. You will FAIL. HARD. Even when you did everything you should have done. Remember that time you did the exact right thing? And you still FAILED. And nothing is going to stop that! Much as I love positive thinking and prayer and mindset training and fitness, none of it is going to stop the deluge of the above that is coming at you. Enter the common urge to a) hide from it by choosing not to act and b) to keep waiting until the circumstances start changing so you spend all your time "recovering" between one uncontrollable circumstance to the next.
That voice said to me this morning - life is not meant to be avoided. Life is really just a series of chaos with intermittent periods of short term calm. That is TRUTH.
So, again, what is the point? Interestingly, and I don't know if this has ever happened to you , but this mindset journey has been reflected in my own fitness journey. I have been surprised that I've had a couple of years where I've struggled.
Its an ongoing effort to stay in that "zenified" place its been an effort in getting started, peeling back the layers and as always refusing to quit. If you spend some time between those two places you eventually have to choose where you are going to be.
I urge you to make that choice today. Get started peeling back the layers of what is making you always live in a white-knucked fear of whats to come while licking the wounds of your past. Instead choose to listen to that voice of awesomeness in you, and be grateful. Rise above (as my current favorite blogger Chris McCombs says).
If you are moved, motivated and think this is worth sharing please do. I don't mind. I believe in this message and I'd appreciate anything you guys could do to get our there and share it. Especially if you believe it and feel the same way. I write this for my inner circle and any other reader that gets value. I don't have fancy FB or "share buttons" so I guess you'll just have to figure it out.
Time to clean the house and get to the gym. As I say at the end of particularly tough workouts to my clients "Thats all I got!"
~Anna
