Finally, let's get to the whole point of this. Pain has a purpose and it is to teach. I have to believe this.
I imagine this story will for sure inspire HOPE. If you have never been without hope, count yourself as fortunate and enjoy the ride of the story. If you do know what loss of hope for a future looks and feels like, I hope this makes you feel like you are not alone.
We hear of other's misfortunes, and wonder what its like to walk through that. We imagine what it feels like, and how we might handle what someone else is having to deal with. We aren't accustomed to people really sharing what it was like.
Which is a shame. Its probably why people in pain feel so ALONE.
How does a person whose life is to be a student of excellence, mental fortitude and focus, teaching others to overcome obstacles and champion progress, find themselves down on the mat, and not getting back up?
Here is what the next punch looked and felt like.
While uncomfortable, not just from the heat but the shooting pains down my legs, I had a good time socializing with all the golfers, laughing and cutting like I love to do. For a good cause no less!
I worked 8 hours on my feet and then broke it down. I couldn't feel my legs by the time I loaded my SUV and drove home. But I called Dad on my way home. I was always calling him to cheer me up. I knew he was traveling and excited to be heading fishing. I was very focused on helping him unravel what was happening with him and supporting his efforts and our mission - TO GET HIM WELL. We were also just very accustomed to checking in. So nothing out of the ordinary.
I passed out when I got home (I had overdone by any measure) and woke to a horrific scene.
My family was by my bed waking me saying over and over through tears and sobs, "your Dad passed away" over and over....
They were in hysterics that Dad has passed away the night before about 5 hours after we spoke. I think I shut down. And I think I stayed that way.
Since then I have been unsure of the ground beneath my feet.
Nothing that comes next is simple, easy, enjoyable, or helpful for the person doing it. Now to plan a funeral, try to manage a semblance of life and be the executor of an estate while I confront a void so deep and vast I could not comprehend it.
So much about taking over someone's entire life as the constant reminder that they are no longer there is part cruelty and part honor, and something I have never found the words for.
Holding his favorite shoes, his watch, the cufflinks I remember from when I was a little girl. Everything that was him, now with no home. His favorite things, things he was proud of, things he enjoyed buying and the things he wore and used constantly. Especially his favorite things. The voicemails on my phone - millions of those. The dinners no longer being planned, cancelling the beachhouse he had already rented for us, and reading the last text message he sent knowing there was no one at the end of that line anymore.
It was the knockout punch. I am still very much grieving and miss my Dad every day. Some days are much happier than others but the void takes my breath away, even in all the blessings I am swimming in. I will not dishonor him, or myself by pretending otherwise.
From the date of losing Dad, I then received the head smashing kick while I was down, as I said "on the mat" contemplating the ground beneath me, fighting hard to get up but not managing to do it.
In 6 months time from that event, that business I built that was my saving grace was absorbed by the contractor I had partnered with for 9 years and loyally poured myself into. The residual income I as enjoying and the lifetime residual income I was promised was eliminated in a 15 minute zoom call with the CEO.
And I am not one to compare loss, but when the magnitude of loss is so substantial, it gives...well, perspective for someone who has not experienced this level of loss cannot possibly have on the pain that comes with it. The massive void. It goes beyond comprehension. It makes you not want to live with it and question if its worth it to do so. I wish I had never had to walk this path. I thought you could "mental toughness" your way out of any mindset, and into your next best chapter, no matter what.
I lost that belief. And with it, hope.
Did I feel sorry for myself? You bet I did. I was already in a rough spot, in pain and depressed, and then I lost my favorite cheerleader and then I lost our family's primary income.
Was I able to see there may be brighter days ahead? Nope.
Seeing myself from the outside and being a person of such mental fortitude and yet being so powerless over the series of events from 40-45 years old, was and has been incredible humbling.
I was someone who before would have assumed I would have walked these last 5 years completely differently. I would have expected "more and better" from myself. I didn't overcome like I wanted to. Like I would wish that others would be able to.
Deep down, I do want the world to be fair.
It most certainly is not.
For someone who is control of themselves and their mindset as a way of life, this has been a tough pill to swallow. But pride is worthless anyway, so as far as Im concerned hopefully it is dead and I can move on without it.
I imagine this story will for sure inspire HOPE. If you have never been without hope, count yourself as fortunate and enjoy the ride of the story. If you do know what loss of hope for a future looks and feels like, I hope this makes you feel like you are not alone.
We hear of other's misfortunes, and wonder what its like to walk through that. We imagine what it feels like, and how we might handle what someone else is having to deal with. We aren't accustomed to people really sharing what it was like.
Which is a shame. Its probably why people in pain feel so ALONE.
How does a person whose life is to be a student of excellence, mental fortitude and focus, teaching others to overcome obstacles and champion progress, find themselves down on the mat, and not getting back up?
Here is what the next punch looked and felt like.
While uncomfortable, not just from the heat but the shooting pains down my legs, I had a good time socializing with all the golfers, laughing and cutting like I love to do. For a good cause no less!
I worked 8 hours on my feet and then broke it down. I couldn't feel my legs by the time I loaded my SUV and drove home. But I called Dad on my way home. I was always calling him to cheer me up. I knew he was traveling and excited to be heading fishing. I was very focused on helping him unravel what was happening with him and supporting his efforts and our mission - TO GET HIM WELL. We were also just very accustomed to checking in. So nothing out of the ordinary.
I passed out when I got home (I had overdone by any measure) and woke to a horrific scene.
My family was by my bed waking me saying over and over through tears and sobs, "your Dad passed away" over and over....
They were in hysterics that Dad has passed away the night before about 5 hours after we spoke. I think I shut down. And I think I stayed that way.
Since then I have been unsure of the ground beneath my feet.
Nothing that comes next is simple, easy, enjoyable, or helpful for the person doing it. Now to plan a funeral, try to manage a semblance of life and be the executor of an estate while I confront a void so deep and vast I could not comprehend it.
So much about taking over someone's entire life as the constant reminder that they are no longer there is part cruelty and part honor, and something I have never found the words for.
Holding his favorite shoes, his watch, the cufflinks I remember from when I was a little girl. Everything that was him, now with no home. His favorite things, things he was proud of, things he enjoyed buying and the things he wore and used constantly. Especially his favorite things. The voicemails on my phone - millions of those. The dinners no longer being planned, cancelling the beachhouse he had already rented for us, and reading the last text message he sent knowing there was no one at the end of that line anymore.
It was the knockout punch. I am still very much grieving and miss my Dad every day. Some days are much happier than others but the void takes my breath away, even in all the blessings I am swimming in. I will not dishonor him, or myself by pretending otherwise.
From the date of losing Dad, I then received the head smashing kick while I was down, as I said "on the mat" contemplating the ground beneath me, fighting hard to get up but not managing to do it.
In 6 months time from that event, that business I built that was my saving grace was absorbed by the contractor I had partnered with for 9 years and loyally poured myself into. The residual income I as enjoying and the lifetime residual income I was promised was eliminated in a 15 minute zoom call with the CEO.
And I am not one to compare loss, but when the magnitude of loss is so substantial, it gives...well, perspective for someone who has not experienced this level of loss cannot possibly have on the pain that comes with it. The massive void. It goes beyond comprehension. It makes you not want to live with it and question if its worth it to do so. I wish I had never had to walk this path. I thought you could "mental toughness" your way out of any mindset, and into your next best chapter, no matter what.
I lost that belief. And with it, hope.
Did I feel sorry for myself? You bet I did. I was already in a rough spot, in pain and depressed, and then I lost my favorite cheerleader and then I lost our family's primary income.
Was I able to see there may be brighter days ahead? Nope.
Seeing myself from the outside and being a person of such mental fortitude and yet being so powerless over the series of events from 40-45 years old, was and has been incredible humbling.
I was someone who before would have assumed I would have walked these last 5 years completely differently. I would have expected "more and better" from myself. I didn't overcome like I wanted to. Like I would wish that others would be able to.
Deep down, I do want the world to be fair.
It most certainly is not.
For someone who is control of themselves and their mindset as a way of life, this has been a tough pill to swallow. But pride is worthless anyway, so as far as Im concerned hopefully it is dead and I can move on without it.
So, I share this to share the message I will share for the rest of my life. And why COVID-19 and the economy and other things that are the biggest things in the lives of so many, still remain in the distance for me. It's just my perspective. The most recent chapter of this story goes like this....
