GOD'S HAIR ... (Back to regularly scheduled programming....Almost)

Wella wella well.   I've rediscovered that I miss writing so I pledge to make this (blogging) a more regular event starting today. Tomorrow is her birthday and WHAT IS REALLY WEIRD is this was the last post on the blog because it was the month we opened Revolution Fitness.  So fitting!   I'll be leaning more towards business and fitness but today, let's just go with this.

Ellen: "Mommy I love you so much that if u die ill build you a statue up to the sky. All the way to God's hair." 

How do you even respond to that???  We were passing a big cemetery on the way home from the pumpkin patch yesterday.  In my head I'm thinking of the "good Mom" response and outwardly I'm a babbling idiot.

Lately, I think Ellen hears me talk about her as a little one and hears the love in my voice when she asks me questions and sometimes wants to be little. And I've started telling her...I love you more now.  It's so true.  Everyday my heart explodes and grows to love her even more. She is kind and she is oh so forgiving. She has a mother who is hot headed and quick tempered and who sometimes has expectation that are too high an sometimes is just too fried to be patient and loving.  Yet she loves me with all her little heart.  She wants nothing more than to see me smile or make me happy. Makes a person feel undeserving.  Ill-equipped to say the least.  She tells me everyday that I'm beautiful that she loves me.  The other day she said I love how you smell mommy... Nobody else smells like you.  And she's right.  I miss my Mom's smell and hug all the time- it's the one thing that the thought of can still bring tears to my eyes.  And as I think about the time I've sacrificed with her I honestly doubt if its worth it because nothing is worth taking even a millisecond with such a precious and perfect child.  But to know that this week, Mike and I are eating lunch with her, baking a cake tonight and that we've made a family project out of planning her party - I think that that I won't question anything as long as I have a kid that wants to build me a monument all the way up to God's hair.  
~Anna


PS: HERE ARE THE LAST POSTS TO ELLEN'S BLOG:)  ENJOY!

Scary Post

This is a scary post for many reasons. 1. I should be cleaning the middle bedroom out for dad and chandler to sleep in tonight and I am procrastinating, 2. I've embarked on a quite a new perspective this week, and 3, I've had 2 cups of starbucks full caff coffee. Oh, and 4. I have no goal for this post. SCARY.

So I am where I am.

Business is good, I have very good feelings about it and some cool plans for my team next week. Our first month was great. I measure our success based on our 3 objectives as a team--Number one, we are changing lives through fitness. That has always been my goal. Number 2, we did make some money...well, let me reword that: We cleared all operating expenses our first month. And three, we are having fun. It is getting more fun each week, but this one we could work on. The last 2 weeks we've has some awesome energy in there. Two clients came to me and used those exact words, and said it was a very positive place to be. That is a dream come true for me. I also have 2 trainers who are dying to join our team and they are qualified, we just need to discuss them at our meeting next week. It is shaping up to be exactly how I dreamed it would be. Long way to go but I see it unfolding.

Life is good, we are totally extended financially with my income and our savings having been invested in the gym and I have lots of debt now (I was debt free before) but I just look at it like assets. The fact that it is not conusmption debt, rather investment in actual things makes it an asset in my mind so I fret less. The balance in the check book makes me nuts tho, I like lots of cushion and its a concrete floor at the moment.

Ellen is perfect, communicative, growing, thriving, adorable, etc.

Mike is the same. He is a great help mate, husband, and all the things I ever wanted. I adore him more every day...

And then that leaves fitness. So I lost my mojo and I was fine with it. It is nice when you quit working against yourself and just admit...hey, I am doing what I am willing to do, so it makes sense to just accept the result. You get what you give. The problem is that has resulted in some lost fitness and a weight gain and I miss my old body. So I am so bored with the whole rally the troops! yawn. make a plan! did somebody say something? commit and set daily goals to reach the ultimate goal! snore. I do it all day long, I've dont it a million times for myself. So I kept thinking what direction could I go? What would make me really takes these steps I am so bored with so I could actually not be on a weight loss journey for a minute??!! So I got frustrated with Mike, he did it for 3 days for aboubt 2 weeks and it was great, the accountability meant something to me, I've asked a friend and considered asking one of the guys at work, and then it dawned on me. Hey, nobody can do this for you but you. So back to you, hey, you get what you give and you do exactly what you are willing to do. We all do. So then I finally put in the Joyce Meyer CD that LeAnn loaned me about confident women. And it was all about how if you are doing something and it sees like you just 'can't' then maybe you are not ready yet. You will be enabled to do what it is you seek when you are ready. The struggle you are currently in serves you or someone else somehow, so work on your strengths and do your best and rest assured that when you are ready, the other things will come.Now THAT is some food for thought. Then right after that, there is a big old part about how if you are trying to accomplish somethng to impress others then you are doomed. And that hit home. I just did a big exercise with one of my clients about how every one of her reasons for doing this was rooted in what others thought and how others percieved her. She has to do it for her or it ain't getting done. I locked her in my office after her workout and made her write an essay instead of do her cardio. So that is a common theme and I am heeding the message. That reminded me to do this for me, stop fretting and just realize I can do it and I will. It's serving it's purpose. I relate and help my clients on a different level (so they tell me) and its all rooted in my ability to relate to them from having this ongoing struggle. It is so simple, when I REEEAAALLLLLY want it for me, I will do it. No struggling, no whining. I'll just do it. It just boils down to wanting it for yourself badly enough.

I kind of started finding my mojo again, Mike and I did a "duathlon" yesterday where we biked 5 miles including this quarter mile hill from hell and then ran 2 and half in a ravine that is either going up or coming down... Needless to say i slept good last night and it felt so good to have a good hard workout under my belt.

OK, middle bedroom is calling. I better hustle.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 2007

Knock on Wood

Here are some updated pics of Revolution and one of Ellen.




BACK TO THE BLOG---->

More Looking Back

Monday December 11

I won't write all my cool Christmas ideas for my family down because half the fun is the surprise and although I am nearly 100% sure it makes me a dork to have blog, I am not sure if it makes you readers one by association. So I am sure even if someone reads this they won't admit it. I am erring on the the side of caution.

Ellen Rose took her first big 5 steps last week. The shirt says it all:


holding on...


letting go...


FREE!
Christmas shopping has been non-existant so far, but alot of it is homemade so I've started that process. It is only slightly overwhelming. In a good way. Instead of going at it with a "get it done" attitude, I look at it like a kid would. If you asked a 4 year old to help you make a certain thing in the kitchen or on the computer-how FUN! And it is. I remind myself of that, and all the sudden, I am less whelmed.

Not sure what I sat down to write about. I find myself just sitting around thinking cheesy thoughts that would annoy me on bad day or a cynic on a good one. BUt it just amazes me how I have so much, more than enough. And the more I realize this, the more we seem to get. Not money, but time, fullfillment, just the things you wish you had when you do not have them.

We watched Cinderella Man this weekend and looking at how that family lived with their kids, and then walking in my kitchen where the food is overflowing out of the pantry. How can I be in a bad mood. How can I hve once OUNCE of self pity??? I think all the time how I am so blessed and I almost wonder if there is something I should be doing with all these blessings I am not doing. I find it very peaceful to always be thinking that I am living the life I am supposed to live and now I just hve to sit back and enjoy it...warts and all. It's too easy. Where is all the angst, confusion, worry I used to carry with me constantly? I am figuring it is a lot just that I am growing up. My cousin Ana once told me that your 30's were the bomb because you are getting things figured out, and have enough money and sense to enjoy it. And you don't give a rat's fanny what others think. That and I get to sleep through the night. I'll NEVER take that for granted again.

Cinderella Man also spoke to my fitness journey as well. When Braddock made his comeback as an old man, a reporter asked him what had changed, and he said “I know what I am fighting for” , there was pause and the reporter said “What are you fighting for?” and Braddock responded quite simply “Milk”. He needed the prize money because he and his family were about to starve to death. Now THAT is why one person finds their way and another one spins their wheels in frustration. For 6 years I’ve been climbing this hill. And I know I m going to get there this time because a)6 years wins me the right to say I am persistent and b) through being a newlywed, gyms closing, 15 hour work days, traveling, my Mom’s passing, a miscarriage, pregnancy, birth and newborn Motherhood all throwing me on and off track, I actually know why I m fighting now. And it is not why I thought I was fighting for years, and it’s not Ellen. I just figured it in the last 2 months and I was shocked because I thought I was self-aware. I was wrong. But now I am sure I know why and it’s been a whole new ball game.

Pictures are SLEEPY

We made an appt to have Ellen's 1 yr photos made several months back, but when we finally met, we had to do it immediately if we wanted any fall color in the pictures. I was so excited b/c given the time of year and this photog's cool attitude-she suggested an old house in Dacula and wanted to do outside stuff, include the dogs and everything so I was excited to get a family portrait as well. We were all concerned about the cold and Allison even called to see if we wanted to move things up a bit so it would warm up a little. In addition, we've spent 2 days power-shopping (I HATE POWER SHOPPING) getting everyone outfitted in a time cold meds for her cold and some cough syrup, Ellen has not napped and I have a HUGE case of guilt for A) gving her meds-it bothers me and B) letting her fight her nap for a whole hour. So I am fit to be tied now that she has sleepy medicine in her AND has missed a nap. We get to the pictures, and she is all the sudden instantly sticking her tounge out. Constantly. We can grab it, and she barely acknowledges it. So all that and every picture (maybe with the exception of a few) is of us, dogs, everyone decked out and Ellen's tounge stuck out like she just burned it on a cup of hot java. So of course we are barely out of the driveway to go home and this is what I see in the backseat. She had a handful of goldfish and just could not quite get them to thier destination before she fell asleep. I was instantly alot less irritated. :)

First Merry GO Round RIDE!!!

"Hey...."


"MOM! Can I go??!!"
"OK, Dad, maybe I dont WANNA get on the horse. here I'll hold you and you hold me."

She never let go of his shirt.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2006

My Very First Homework Assignment

For PMO, Ellen was given this turkey feather and we had a few weeks to decorate it so it could be added to teh turkey in her hallway at school. So of course, the morning of the due date, I finally got around to it and she was game for about 3.5 minutes then it was over. But we got it done and it was her very first homework assignment!
















We finally got Ellen out to the park and went a few laps with her in her new trailer. Since she kind of flops around, I stuffed Pooh on one side and I stuffed a big blanket on the other. She fell asleep but she wole up when we stopped and I snapped this with my phone.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 09, 2006

The punkin in the patch

I did not realize these had not been downloaded yet! What a fun day! We took her to
the pumpkin patch right around Halloween and it was super cold that day but it was so beautiful and she loved it.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 08, 2006

New stuff

She is changing so fast I have stopped writing it all down in favor of just keeping up with her! She is waving bye-by and Hello and HI at everything. Her friend Emma gave her one of those little baby blanket with the stuffed animal at the top yesterday and we have not taken it out of the car, she is totally occupied with it. She holds it up with one hand and waves "Hey" at it constantly. And chews on its ears. :)Which brings me to the next milestone.

Her first word(s) is "Hey!!!" or "Hi!" She grabbed my cell and put it up to her ear and started babling away last week. Then she did it with the remote control. Imitation! How fun!! She waves and says this to everything and she tries to add Bella's name when she is waving at her. She now points at pictures and trees b/c we are always pointing at these things. And I was so excited this morning b/c she pointed at Mike in a picture and said "DADA" and I was about to call him and she pointed the bird on a bird watching book on the same shelf and said "DADA." She is also walking with assistance and just starting to decide that maybe going from one thing to the next without assistance would be fun. We do drills where we pass her back and forth at night. She thinks it is hilarious.She is also expanding her diet. Broccoli, homemade peanut butter, basmati rice, eggs, cottage cheese, baked potatoes, yogurt, and cheez-its are the current leaders. She ate half my salmon at Long Horn the other night and we gave her out leftover grouper from last night for lunch today. She mowed through it. I'm trying to get her to eat cooked apples but she wants to hold the whole raw one and gnaw on it. She also likes pears and bananas. We tried some ravioli last night but it was not a hit. In other news I am finding my feet as a trainer. It is getting easier but no less overwhelming. Keeping up with many different aspects of many different people’s lives in disjointed 10-12 hours a week is hectic. I need to establish a system so I don’t feel so all over the place. But I am trying to be patient about that. I have to just grown and learn as things come. And it’s coming.

We are all geared up thinking about the holidays around here. Ellen got an early Christmas present so we could enjoy it before it gets too cold. She seemed to think it was worth her time for sure...


And last but not least I am feeling thoughtful. I listen to his guy Ed Young on the elliptical sometimes and today in one of his talks he said we are born asking a 3 word question…3 words resonate over and over in a child’s mind. We are born asking “Do I MATTER? Do I Matter? Do I matter?” He said that the first mirrors that we look into are the mirrors of our parent’s eyes. If reflected back are words of affirmation, dignity, value…then chances are we have a healthy mental state. If reflected back is that you are too fat too skinny you can’t make it you aren’t what I wanted you to be, then chances are you believe those things and live them. It dawned on me that my responsibility to Ellen is so much bigger than keeping her clean, dry, fed and rested…although it’s kind of too easy to get caught up in that. I want to think I’d reflect affirmation dignity and value but I guess we all would. But thinking of it in those terms, she is constantly figuring out “do I matter?” I am going to spend a little time letting that knock around my noggin this afternoon.

Looking Back

On a personal note, my baby girl is turning 7.  Hmpf.  Not so baby anymore.  Im looking back at the blogs of her life in her first year....

FIRST BIRTHDAY---LAWD THIS TAKES ME BACK.

Happy First Birthday Ellen Rose!

We took the day and all went to the Aquarium on her first birthday and it was so special. We made a cake that night, and she hated it. Which was hilarious. It was not weird for her to be one until she went to bed. But, I can totally believe she is 1. Nope, it did not really fly by. Why does it for everyone else!!?? Imean, yes, I takes a lot of adjusting to keep up with how fast they (and your life) change, but the One Year mark really is when it all gets to be gravy. And you earn it. So, I feel alot like I just ran a big racea nd crossed the finish line, proud, tired, elated, somewhat nostalgic, blessed, relieved, older.

And there is so much going on and so much to write about and little time to write. I find I write less when I am doing other things that satisfy or give me a creative outlet. But that is no excuse!! I wish I could think of all the new things she is doing. She is officailly in the 2nd percentile for weight and height. Dr. Pugel said "Does that run in your family"? to me. ME. Um, yep!!! We aren't giants. And Mike was SO SMALL when he was little, so I think she is OK. Clearly thriving. And her new favorite food is brocolli. And with her hair, I want her to be a brocolli floret for Halloween, and just make it green, dress her in green. Voila, Ellen the floret!!

She can throw a ball at you and giggle like crazy when you catch it. She waves at everyone. She seeps all night long 95% of the time, and she is trying to get from one thing to the next without crawling.

I am (plop) sitting here listening to the sound of 2 cm square (plop, plop) pieces of carrot, chicken, potato and green bean hit the floor. Plop. She should be eating her lunch but has discovered it makes a sound (plop) when it hits the floor (plop). It is really funny. I'm trying not to laugh, so I have turned my back to her to (plop) type but I can still hear what is going on.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2006

Ellen Rose

I just had to post this....

Ever see one of those Moms who thinks EVERY picture of their baby is just SO AWESOME?  yeah, I am one of those :)

Peaks

Today is soooooooooooooooooogood. Many many reasons.

I am learning to live a lot more consciously instead of dashing around 'accomplishing' and wondering if I am really appreciating what I have. Then I realized, the secret is to STOP filling your time and start feeling it. I think this may be the real benefit of praying (beyond religion). I don’t pray. Usually. But I’ve started and since I am so unsure of my faith, its not a "dear god" its a "today I am thankful for, and Today I am worried about, today I am wonder how to handle a certain situation, etc..." I am finding that these things could easily be translated into a "could I please have an answer to my worries, and problems" but without the expectation of an answer, just the act of consistent praying makes you constantly aware of what is on your mind and what is in your life. Voila, you are conscious. And you are not zooming through your life feeling all muddled because you are touching base with what is on your mind and what is right in your life. Right now, its not about the answers, its a lot about listening to myself.

I am really changing these days, inside and out. Odd event for me-I ran 3 miles in under 30 today like it was CAKE. I kept looking down at the treadmill and thinking, who is running on this thing?! My fitness quest has changed 100%. I am done with the self sabotage, done with doing anything less for myself than I deserve. I’ve said this before and I’ve read all about self-sabotage in my fitness reading, but never for a second thinking it related to me. But it did and it does and realizing that has changed everything. It’s done. And its not about a bunch of hullabaloo, no new notebooks, extensive plans, etc. Its just keeping my head down, staying focused, humble, quiet and strong. It was all about realizing that I had to fix the internal problems to solve the fitness problem, not get fit to solve the internal problems. I have felt better the last 2 weeks than in a long time. I was not unhappy, but the grief of losing someone, then the stresses of choosing to quit a job, have a newborn and all that adjusting, it has just been hard. Good, OK, low at times, but all together hard. Then VOILA. Beautiful fall is here and I am beginning to win the battle against lifelong weight demons and to top it off, I have gotten some affirmation and validation that my inkling about being able to help women who also have struggled with their weight might be right. Held my first bootcamp class on Tuesday, got some great feedback. It's amazing that they didnt just laugh me off the field. I am FINALLY walking the walk.

In other news, my house is home, my family is close, my life is richer as I make new friends through this training adventure, my marriage is back to normal and feels better than ever, my baby is nothing but a gift. I feel lately like I won the lottery, like every morning I wake up to a brand new shiny car – every day. I had to kind of stop and recognize it b/c I was not expecting it. I made some awfully hard decisions I regretted for some months after Ellen was born. I wished I'd put her in daycare so I could get a break, I wished I 'd kept my job so I could have some control over SOMETHING, I wished I had bottle fed her so she might sleep more, or at least someone else could feed her or at least get up with her and walk her; I wished I had sleep trained her earlier, I wished I had the money I no longer was making and the title and respect and creative outlet that came with my old job. I felt had not signed up for what I had gotten, yet all the decisions were made. And the most perplexing was that the reasons I made my decisions were so calculated. I would look at my priorities and then look at how I had laid out my life. They did not match at all. Money and accumulating things were way down on the lists. Time for and with immediate and extended family and friends were way up on the list, as was time to take good care of my body, and my family's health. Also having a job I was passionate about and truly enjoyed was a priority as well. As Andy Andrews said, you have make it a no turn back situation if you are ever going to leave a comfortable situation and embark on an uncomfortable one. In other words, do like Cortez and "burn the boats." He burned the boats he came to America on and told his crew "if we're going home, we're going home on THEIR boats" and he sent them off to fight and conquer. Working 13-15 hours away from home a day did not make nearly any of my so-called priorities possible. And after the last few years of my life, I felt rather broken when things did not appear to be working out as planned. These things were not immediately visible and I felt I had just had a big old HUGE fat case of grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side- ITIS. And I felt so stupid for falling into that trap. But, now!!! I feel all put back together and better than ever. I think I am ending up with all the things I thought I might get by doing the things I did...just MUCH later than I anticipated. It is nice when the valleys of life turn into peaks.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2006

Grand Dad's Monthly Visit

What a wonderful weekend! It was great seeing Dad and Chandler as usual, but then to top it off we had a little family soiree on Saturday since my Uncle Bill was in town and it was a real treat seeing him. It was great seeing everyone really. Angie and Kevin have registered and picked out bedding for junior, and she is 6 months pregnant!!!!! Oh how I remember those days and loved them so. Now its a whole new world and I am already sad that this time in Ellen's little life will be gone before I know it. It has had its moments, but it's all worth it now. They've been talking alot about what the CIA is allowed to do and not allowed to do to detainees and what is fair, not fair, etc. Well, in these talks it has been said that sleep deprivation is a form of torture is probably not OK. As a mother of a NON-SLEEPER, I'd have to agree!!!!! Ellen Rose has slept all night long for 3 nights in a row counting last night. This is the first time she has slept all night long twice in a row since she was born. And now she has done it 3 TIMES!!!! I feel like a new woman. The effect just 3 nights of regular sleep has had is VAST. But I digress, it was a beautiful, fally type weekend and Ellen Rose got in some good family time. Since Dad could not make the Reunion in Calhoun this year, we bowed out as well. I don't think Grand Dad is disowning us, so that is the good news.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2006

Yellow River Game Ranch

What a an awesome was to sepnd a Friday afternoon! We had squrrels jumping up on the stroller trying to get food (well, the type A ones anyway) and we had deer walking with us as we wandered around and tons of birds, peacocks, and geese wondering around too. We fed a donkey, ponies, goats, and saw the bears, and other caged animals. Not my favorite part, but feeding the loose ones was a treat for both of us. We'll be going back there soon. Our camera is acting up, thanks to Lauren for sending this to us.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2006

Turning 11 months old on Saturday!!!

This is a big week! She turns 11 months on Saturday. 

She discoverd how to open a game box on Tuesday.














Visited with Nane and Paw and 














Discovered how soap suds work on Wednesday...















Melted my heart on Wednesday night (what is new)...













Thursday we ran to 'camp' so she was bundled up- that is the pen she holds on to when she rides in the stroller. She holds both her hands up like she is being robbed when we are running. The wind or something makes her do it. I'm sure to passers by on the road she looks like a bank teller in a stick up! Some people have running shoes, running shirts...Ellen has a running pen.








Then I snapped this just after I waved "see you later" - she gets busy right when we get there-lots of toys to play with!!!















And here she is in what they call the "bye bye buggy"...She seems to LOVE it!!

























Tomorrow we go to Yellow River Game Ranch with Lauren and Davis. 
I am sure I'll be my usual papparazzi.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 08, 2006

Milestones

The front door is open and so is the back. That just feels GOOD when you can do that in Georgia. It's not 400% humidity and the temperature is reasonable. And (gasp) there is a breeze this morning. I *LOVE* fall and it's a'comin'. And not just fall, but FOOTBALL is here too. Somehow I got all into it last year after umpteen years of just really liking the tailgating and Jim Beam and artichoke dip, I'm now all about the GAME and the behind the scenes soap operas too. Even the NFL-I'm ALL about it. We've watched pre-season NFL and as much college ball as Ellen will allow. She slept straight through the Ga game last weekend, bless her heart. So in addition to recovering from sleepless nights and the adjustment to sahmom-dom, fall is coming, football has started, Ellen is growing and things are really coming together. I just feel good right now all the sudden. It’s either another freaking mood swing or I am finally getting back to my old self. I’ve thought I was getting back to it before but I think I have figured out, there is no “back”—everything is different now. So I think I am getting back to my new self. At any rate...its safe to say I've got Fall Fever big time this year.



Cousin Angie came to visit this week - she is looking beautiful with her little 5 and half month pregnant belly. It's so exciting when I think Ellen is going to have a little cousin around her age to play with. Ellen is waving hello and/or good bye (or as her Dad said, it's "See you later", never good bye). She is also walking with us and balancing while she is standing for long pauses and likes to use her hands to play when she pulls up so she is perfecting her 'lean' while playing.




She is all the sudden (FINALLY) eating crackers and gold fish and sleeping like a champ. Eating and sleeping was touch and go after her virus, so I am ultra relieved that she seems to be back to normal. I wasn't sure I could take a regression in the eating sleeping arena. And the funniest thing is her hair. It's HUGE!!! When she wakes up, its all whicha way, commonly in the Grandpa Munster style where the sides are coming sraight forward and everything else is going straight up. She is a little baby with big hair. Hilarious. She is


recognizing Lucy when I ask her where Lucy is. Mom and Dad are chopped liver, so is Bella...but Lucy continues to be her favorite family member. Here she is in a common daily situation...talking to Bella at the back door. Bella usually doesn't let her get this close, so Ellen is overjoyed. And last but not least...she started her first day of "camp" yesterday. She did very well, no crying and had a great time they said. I, on the other hand, was a perfect mess. Mike was there and he helped remind me that this is FUN for her. And it was. Her favorite part was the finger painting!!! I was astonished they had them finger painting. This was waiting on me when I arrived to pick her up. I dont think I've ever been so proud of anything in my life.



















Mike wants to frame it.

If I can muster the courage, we might have to get some finger paints this afternoon and give taht a whirl. The video camera arrived yesterday so I am thinking we may have to catch that fiasco on tape.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 02, 2006

4 MORE

It is most definately time for a video camera!!

Snippets of my blog during Ellen's first year!

Breathe

Cuz you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable, and
Life's like an hourglass
glued to the table"

~Anna Nalick "Breathe (2am)"

You gotta love that. I am sitting here listening to what I lovingly call "L&D1"...the mix I made for ERS's delivery. I haven't played it in a while but I love it as much as ever. Perfect background for this day, and this entry. There is no turning back, you get to live this life once, it is always moving in forward (fast forward it seems) and I am acutely aware of that every day, particularly this one where I feel like I've put my "first things first" and am reaping the rewards.

First things first, in the fitness arena, I had a new personal best this morning. Today I ran an 8:59 minute mile. I can hardly believe I just typed that!! I was listening to "I can only imagine" which I downloaded from itunes after watching this video one morning and deciding it was now the perfect running song, because after seeing this, it's impossible to wimp out no matter what:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjPrL3n63yg

I had just upped my speed to 7.1 and I thought "Uh-oh no stopping now" and I ran with a beautiful lump in my throat remembering that video and never dropped the speed and voila, I ran an all time personal best...even when I ran a 10K and was trying to really be a runner, that never happened. That is why I love working out...deep down it is always about so much more than burning calories and looking good.

Then as I stood there slicing my first tomato from my garden (even better I was slicing it for my 7 egg white omelet with spinach and onions. You can't BEAT that for your body) I thought "some days you just can't beat being a sahm". At work, I ate great 90% of the time but its hard to whip up an egg white omelet in that environment. And its hard to beat one cooked with a tomato from a garden you would never have had time to have in the past, but always wanted. I have wrestled with my decision to stay home from day 1 and have had a hard time giving up my routine, independent time, career and extra money. It's all 10 times harder than I expected, and that is TOUGH TOUGH TOUGH to admit. But this is just not one of those days. I feel like we are all getting what we need. Thank God for the gym day care, Ellen spends an hour a day with other kids age ranging from hers to mostly 2-3 year olds so it is wonderful for her. And lots of time with her Dad, who spends every minute he is not away from home basically up her fanny. Sometimes I get to feeling lonely for her after he comes home! Again, hard to beat.

That is not to say I haven't kept the goal of getting on as a trainer in a gym very firm in my mind this week as I try to achieve my fitness goals, and also toyed with whether they need a gym on Highway 20 close to a friend of mine's house, even did some quick numbers for it, and thought very seriously just yesterday about checking to see if they need teachers at the college down the road. So many things I want to try. My mind is constantly wondering what the next step will be, but always aware that it's hard to beat what I have here.

Back to the tomatoes...only 3 red ones in a million green ones, 1/2 of which had blossom rot. SO I researched it, cured it and found my squash and zukes overcome with powdery mildew when we got back from Tybee. It's so embarrassing. Hazel and Janetta (my 2 very retired and white haired neighbors ) have already offered me baskets full of their plants' produce. Do I need to wear a white wig out there to water the darns thing or what!?

Last but not least, Ellen is back to her normal self after back to back trips out of town. The Texas-Tybee combo was a doozie for the baby. One was a plane trip to a different time zone. I see now why alot of parents are wary of this. Sleep schedules go out the WINDOW. It was fine, but she lost some sleep, which makes it harder for her to get good sleep which further deprives her and well, its a vicious cycle. And for a Mom who was getting up a minimum of 3 times a night until she was 6 or 7 months old, this is serious business. I protect her sleep schedule like a Mama Croc protects her nest, so it was good for me to have to learn how to be flexible and learn it wasn't all going back to sleepless nights (a.k.a. hell) in a hand basket. Barely got her back in business and napping and sleeping well at night and we went to Tybee...5 hours by car. Car seats are not that fun I dont care who you are! So, bless her heart...but she has been a good baby, a sport about it and she is back to normal now. Moms have to learn, too.

She got her walker from Grand Dad...suffice it to say she loves it! SheLOVES it. 











In about 5 minutes time she had motored over and was staring down Columbian Francois. He's one of the pigs Dad has given us, but he is a smidge darker than the one we have, hence "Columbian" Francois. You could tell she’d never noticed him before. So we moved the dog bowls so she could get in closer and turned out they were the same height and she had to check him out…

WEDNESDAY, JULY 26, 2006

Can you see the pictures now!!?

So, the whole point of sharing this darn thing is to share pictures of Ellen...then I got lots of replies that folks could not see the darn things!! So I spent my afternoon trying to rectify (that word totally kills me incidintally) the situation. Somebody puh-leeze comment and give me your status. I can always see them on my computer, even when others have problems...so help a sister out!

Tybee Island Beach Trip

Everything is just so much more fun when you are a baby! I think in this picture she is thinking "Mom! I LOVE it when you take my picture!" This is her new shirt that Aunt Holli and Uncle Greg gave her from their recent trip to the Big Apple for their 10th anniversary.










This is Ellen and her bestest estest friend Lily Clare (also sporting the very stylish New York shirt). L.C. may very well be the most agreeable 2 year old in the whole wide world, she was nothing but loving and sweet to Ellen Rose...and everyone else for that matter. She won my heart all over again this weekend!








Here she is on the beach...she was fairly non-plussed actually. She ate some sand and dug in it a while then I think she'd been there done that and was ready for what was next.











Here we are on the balcony... we were quite impressed with the view.

TUESDAY, JULY 18, 2006

Ellen Rose Smith

My new favorite picture

SUNDAY, JULY 16, 2006

The Texas Review

Now that I am on a better roll here, I should recap our trip to Texas to see Grand Dad. Getting there was a breeze, everybody (but me) was totally at ease with the whole thing...this was taken around 6:30 a.m.-UG.



The whole trip was just so special. At the top of my head are the preperations Grand Dad made for us. Good ole golf-and-wine loving nearly-retired beach-bumming Grand Dad had gone out and bought diapers, wipes, special bibs and burp cloths, a pack n play and a high chair for his first Grand Baby's visit. All without any suggestion from me. How special and incredible is that? What a guy. Ellen loved her high chair...

It is possible she was less wild about the plums we were trying.

And the real highlight was that at my request he arranged to go see our family a few hours away and instead of just dropping by and having a visit, they put on a big shin dig where every relative within an hour plus came to see us...just for me and the little one!! It was just too special. There were homemade and garden grown dishes and folks piled around the table eating and having a grand old time. I'll never forget it. Nobody does that better than our family.

We also took Ellen to the pool for the first time...here are a few shots of her with the BEST UNCLE I could have ever asked for! Chandler was so much help, and just in general tons of fun to be around. Ellen loved him...

Victory and Dog

What a great Saturday night!! It started with a long process of "Where do you want to eat", "I don’t care, where do you want to go?". Rinse. Repeat. Our fabulous babysitter came at 6:30 and we headed out and had a nice long dinner at the local Italian place. The topic of conversation was what were your favorite times in life so far. In other words, when were you the happiest? For me, it was when I was 17...it was just a good year, when I met my husband and so many things seemed to come together as we fell in love and got married, and then when I was pregnant. But then, right now is a close runner up. Right now, we are finding our groove as parents, but getting back to "us" and really starting to have fun with this chapter of our lives. His included a stint when he was young; he enjoyed being a child/preteen about a million times more than I did.

Then after we paid the sitter and piled into bed, we ended up with me trying to learn how to make that weird muffled guitar sound boys/guys (OK, men) make that girls can never make. He is always trying to get me to make sounds (one of his favorite pastimes) and I DO NOT, as a rule, “make sounds." But I was dying to know. I was in tears as he (very seriously) is telling me to clench my teeth, but relax my jaw, and say "victory" then "dog." The V and D are the sound you are looking for but he was just trying to get me to get a feel for them trough clenched teeth before I graduated to the next level. Then you speed it up and add a "ch, che-che ch" in there and you top it off with a head bang and air guitar. I got close but not all the way. So glad I married someone who is so much less serious than I am.

FRIDAY, JULY 14, 2006

Gardening

We've been growing kids and vegetables around here... this is a before picture from a month ago. She is in between a zuke and squash plant.

BEFORE:







AFTER:

BETWEEN THE SAME TWO PLANTS.



p.s. Guess who is pulling up!!?

Cat's got my tongue

Silence is a virtue but I've never been this virtuous. I think I got a touch of stage fright. I was writing pages and pages and getting hand cramps and when I decided to just type out my journal all the sudden, I had nothing to say. I have always done a great job at most things until the pressure is on and then my confidence deflates. I really have a prblem with stage fright in life. I am as prepared as I can be, and then I balk when it's time to really take a crucial first step in something. That's cool as crap that it translated over to something as insignificant as starting a blog. I am fascinated how we are all so consistent when we pay attention to ourselves.

I've been hanging tough in my fitness quest. Been at a plateau (not really, since its totally self induced) for about 1.5 months. But I tend to view the glass half full in that respect. When you make positive changes that result in fat loss, its just as hard to maintain those behaviors and not gain the weight back as it is to add in new positive behaviors to keep that fat loss moving forward. Maintaining weight loss is progress, since backsliding would be soooo easy. I have to not only maintain these new (and therefore slightly uncomfortable habits, I have to ADD even more uncomfortable and new habits to them to move my fat loss forward. So I have not reached a plateau, I am just practicing repetition of my new habits until I get to the point where they are "old" and then its time to add more "new."

Had a great time in Texas visiting Dad, although he looks haggard. Eyes are bleary, his weight is up (despite daily weight workouts), and his mind and emotions are dull and lackluster. I wish he would just find it in his heart to retire and move this way...funny how that seems so obvious to me and not so obvious to him. I want him to know his first Grand baby and since he is the only Grandparent she has on my side, I am a little obsessed with that fact. Losing Mom afforded me some perspective and clarity I did not have before and really health and family are ALL that is important, and the rest is just stuff and fluff. So stressing over the stuff of life is normal, but ultimately a waste of time. And I want him close so Ellen can know him and grow up secure in her family roots. Here she is on her way to Grand Dad's...he calls her "smiley" since this is the expression she wears constantly...