Some of my best memories are of a totally quiet house (check), no lights on (check), only sunshine and a cup of coffee in front of my computer back when we had a big computer armoire in the kitchen. Remember those! They are about like having rabbit ears now.
Now its a laptop and a hot tea and its pitch black, but it always starts out the same. I have a blank screen, all the thoughts from the last few days (mostly from in the shower, when Im cleaning, cooking, working out, or the car) and no idea what is about to happen.
All of the sudden, like 2 seconds ago, Ellen grew up. She made Santa look like an elf when she sat in his lap. She cooked banana bread from scratch totally solo today. She texted me. She had a friend over recently and it struck me how young Ellen is by comparison and that is because we choose to treat her that way and keep her that way. But in reality, I don't have this baby anymore.
I was looking back at old Facebook statuses from 1 and 2 years ago (highly recommend this by the way, nothing else has ever come close to giving us a living autobiography) and I was amazed and what a beautiful and funny little girl I had based on those statuses. All the moments we captured, all the things we have done! Jesustakethewheel, both the in-laws are right, we GO. ALOT. And incidentally, I was totally amazed and how funny, inspiring and enjoyable I found myself, too. True story! I really fell victim to my own insecurities when the 4,510th person said "I see "ALL" your posts on Facebook "ALL THE TIME" when we ran into them face to face. "you are on there ALL THE TIME' they would say. "I love reading ALL YOUR POSTS" they would say. I was embarrassed for some reason, like I had been busted! I guess because I enjoy it so much and because its really like the new blogging, which was the new journalling, which for me is a hobby, but I digress.
I am way too critical of myself. And sensitive. And driven. Kind of volatile, or at least stressful for me, since unless you are under a rock never attempting anything, you are going to get criticized. And knocked down. Both can paralyze me. "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face" is taped to my keyboard because I can be so easily and deeply hurt and question everything I've done, my judgement, others' motives, the list is endless. Mostly I question if I should go on, keep trying at all. Thats probably everyone if I had to guess, but at some point you have to get over all of that and be proud, and confident.
So my thoughts are that I have to stop letting someone's OPINION of what I do or enjoy affect me. From Facebook, to work, to writing, to fitness, to parenting, I will be judged and my thought is that its time that stopped having any affect on me. My other thought is that (other's opinions aside) every sacrifice I've made in the business world and even the fitness world or even just plain old having fun world to spend more time with Ellen Rose was worth it. I don't feel cheated. I don't feel like I wasn't there, not even a little bit. Wealth is really freedom, and I've got that. A lot of it. And I've chosen to "spend" most of it on Ellen.
People said to dive into parenting because it ends and you can't get it back; they were right. So much of the heavy lifting is over and I have the space in the work, fitness and fun worlds now that I didn't have for a couple of years. I affectionately called those years "parenting prison" to my dearest friends. This is also why I am in awe mothers who raise children over 10s of years or have several kids. Running a country would be easier and less stressful. No question.
But had I given in to others or just my desire to do more, I would have regret. So its worth it.
To close - What kind of new years day post would this be without a list of resolutions? I can hear David Letterman's top 10 background music in my head for some reason but I don't know what I am about to write so here goes…
1. I resolve to write more and not care what anyone else thinks about it, or where I do it.
2. I resolve to focus on Ellen every day knowing the next 10 years are all I have, really 4 since she will be a pre-teen alien.
3. I resolve to focus on Mike because he is constant when everything else changes, and that is priceless.
4. I resolve to enjoy the journey with faith instead of fear for the professional goals I've set for this year.
5. I resolve to meet a 10 year old fitness goal and compete (April contest planned)
6. I resolve to use my gifts and confidently and tirelessly connect with others.
7. I resolve to stay calm, no matter what.
8. I resolve to faithfully stay connected with my family and friends instead of working around the clock.
9. Did I say I resolve to let go what others think of me, at all, ever, in any way? OK. that deserves 2.
10. I resolve to stop underestimating myself and my instincts - I resolve to be proud of me.
OK, thats what I had, so that is what you get!
Good night and HAPPY NEW YEAR,
Anna
