Growing up

Cant sleep and I'm absolutely stinking delighted.

Some of my best memories are of a totally quiet house (check), no lights on (check), only sunshine and a cup of coffee in front of my computer back when we had a big computer armoire in the kitchen.  Remember those!  They are about like having rabbit ears now.

Now its a laptop and a hot tea and its pitch black, but it always starts out the same.  I have a blank screen, all the thoughts from the last few days (mostly from in the shower, when Im cleaning, cooking, working out, or the car) and no idea what is about to happen.

All of the sudden, like 2 seconds ago, Ellen grew up.  She made Santa look like an elf when she sat in his lap.  She cooked banana bread from scratch totally solo today.  She texted me.  She had a friend over recently and it struck me how young Ellen is by comparison and that is because we choose to treat her that way and keep her that way.  But in reality, I don't have this baby anymore.

I was looking back at old Facebook statuses from 1 and 2 years ago (highly recommend this by the way, nothing else has ever come close to giving us a living autobiography) and I was amazed and what a beautiful and funny little girl I had based on those statuses. All the moments we captured, all the things we have done!  Jesustakethewheel, both the in-laws are right, we GO. ALOT.  And incidentally, I was totally amazed and how funny, inspiring and enjoyable I found myself, too.  True story!   I really fell victim to my own insecurities when the 4,510th person said "I see "ALL" your posts on Facebook "ALL THE TIME" when we ran into them face to face.  "you are on there ALL THE TIME' they would say.  "I love reading ALL YOUR POSTS" they would say.  I was embarrassed for some reason, like I had been busted!  I guess because I enjoy it so much and because its really like the new blogging, which was the new journalling, which for me is a hobby, but I digress.

I am way too critical of myself.  And sensitive.  And driven.  Kind of volatile, or at least stressful for me, since unless you are under a rock never attempting anything, you are going to get criticized.  And knocked down.  Both can paralyze me.  "Everybody has a plan until they get punched in the face" is taped to my keyboard because I can be so easily and deeply hurt and question everything I've done, my judgement, others' motives, the list is endless.  Mostly I question if I should go on, keep trying at all.   Thats probably everyone if I had to guess, but at some point you have to get over all of that and be proud, and confident.

So my thoughts are that I have to stop letting someone's OPINION of what I do or enjoy affect me.  From Facebook, to work, to writing, to fitness, to parenting, I will be judged and my thought is that its time that stopped having any affect on me.   My other thought is that (other's opinions aside) every sacrifice I've made in the business world and even the fitness world or even just plain old having fun world to spend more time with Ellen Rose was worth it.  I don't feel cheated.  I don't feel like I wasn't there, not even a little bit.  Wealth is really freedom, and I've got that.  A lot of it.  And I've chosen to "spend" most of it on Ellen.

People said to dive into parenting because it ends and you can't get it back; they were right.  So much of the heavy lifting is over and I have the space in the work, fitness and fun worlds now that I didn't have for a couple of years.  I affectionately called those years "parenting prison" to my dearest friends.  This is also why I am in awe mothers who raise children over 10s of years or have several kids.  Running a country would be easier and less stressful.  No question.

But had I given in to others or just my desire to do more, I would have regret.  So its worth it.

To close - What kind of  new years day post would this be without a list of resolutions?  I can hear David Letterman's top 10 background music in my head for some reason but I don't know what I am about to write so here goes…

1.  I resolve to write more and not care what anyone else thinks about it, or where I do it.
2.  I resolve to focus on Ellen every day knowing the next 10 years are all I have, really 4 since she will be a pre-teen alien.
3.  I resolve to focus on Mike because he is constant when everything else changes, and that is priceless.
4.  I resolve to enjoy the journey with faith instead of fear for the professional goals I've set for this year.
5. I resolve to meet a 10 year old fitness goal and compete (April contest planned)
6. I resolve to use my gifts and confidently and tirelessly connect with others.
7. I resolve to stay calm, no matter what.
8. I resolve to faithfully stay connected with my family and friends instead of working around the clock.
9. Did I say I resolve to let go what others think of me, at all, ever, in any way? OK. that deserves 2.
10.  I resolve to stop underestimating myself and my instincts - I resolve to be proud of me.

OK, thats what I had, so that is what you get!

Good night and HAPPY NEW YEAR,
Anna

For anyone who feels stuck

First I should start with the goal.  I've set a goal to do my first physique competition on April 12 next year so I've started training for that and because I'm getting results, I want to share what Im doing, what I've changed and what's working in case what Im experience speaks to or helps one of you on your journey.

For years I felt stuck.  Despite hard workouts, food planning, reading and investing in myself to keep myself motivated I felt like I was just one step away from the dreaded rut.  I knew for years I wanted to find something that got me out, but I also knew the timing was wrong.  So I grinded it out.

LESSON 1: FOCUS
Turns out, I was using a great technique called focus, it just wasn't any fun.  I was just focusing on other goals and its a good thing I did.  Now that so many of the professional and parenting goals I was focused on have been met, its my turn.  So the timing is right.  I thought I was in a rut, but I was just just making a conscious decision to sacrifice being great in my fitness journey so I could achieve a great goal in other places. Now I know not to be so hard on myself.  I have to sacrifice greatness in one area to achieve it in another AT THE SAME TIME.  Reminds me of an old quote "You can have everything you want, just not at the same time."


LESSON 2: Its the LITTLE THINGS

-I added 12 minutes of sprints to 2 workouts a week.

-I added 1 metabolic workout consistently to my 3 weight wo a week.

-Ive invested in a trusted friend who is also a trainer to do some thinking for me, to design a couple workouts a week, keep me accountable for not lollygagging through workouts and looking at my meal plan for tweaks.  A small but effective change is meticulously timing WO rest periods.  I can't chat, text or make notes.  I have to stay FOCUSED.

-Im eating 30-40 grams of protein 6x/day each meal instead of 10-25.  It matters.  Its requiring eating from tupperware more and a cooler most days.

-Calories haven't drastically changed and Im eating the exact same foods.  In fact Im eating more.  I am eating a full 2 cups of veggies with a lot of meals I would not have eaten before.  I think mostly the calories been replaced - starches for protein and fiber calories.

-I stop eating when Im full and the planned meal is over.  I walk away.  I still don't wanna.  But there are no extra bites and this takes focus and water.

-Speaking of water, Im drinking 1 FULL MEASURED GALLON of water.  Which means Im drinking 20 oz of water before I eat and at any sign of hunger.  I was closer to like 90-100oz a day and the added water makes it hard to overeat.  I thought I was at a gallon.  This is a game changer!!!

-Im on plan for 2 days then I have a post workout off plan meal.  Im not "relaxed" on the weekends.  If I do, its once and then Im right back on it.  Last weekend that meant I worked out at night, had the off plan meal after, went to bed, then woke up and ate giant chicken breast and cauliflower for breakfast.  I figured I better get right back in before I convince myself peanut butter on whole wheat toast and a protein shake is on plan :).

-Ive started taking 12 fish oils a day and Calcium at night.

-I've added Clear Mood all day and especially at night to help manage anxiety/procrastination eating.

-I force myself to get up at 4:30-5 even if Im not training so I fall asleep on time and don't spend those Wed and Friday so sleepy.  I overeat and blow off workouts when Im sleepy and when I stay up late.

So…..Nothing drastic!!!!  I've noticed the workout pants have lots of room but I haven't weighed or measured.  I can tell this next 2 weeks will be noticeable because the momentum is strong and we are nearing the 8 week mark where things really start to happen.

Reminds me of that video about how water boils at one temperature and then add 1 degree and it creates steam.  Steam can power a train!  This really has been the 1 degree that is making all the difference!

Hope that helps someone today.

Thats all I got!
Anna