I have been more vocal than most about the flurry of circumstances and the resulting struggles of the last few years. Details on that in the last few blog entries. It was not one but several unrelated circumstances leading to a perfect storm that lead to words we see and hear daily (depression, chronic pain, anxiety) that in reality look like this -
I share this so the person who it resonates with can benefit!
What I felt like daily:
- Pure exhaustion most days - this is as much physical as it is mental and I see people everyday now and I know this is how they feel and are accepting it as normal.
- Lack of stamina to do daily activities - even with the mental desire, I had lost the physical stamina to conduct a regular day. It was like dragging a 50 pound pack with you everywhere.
- Fear of things with a big energy outlay (traveling, shopping, multiple appointment days)
- Woke to pain in my back, feet and neck (usually a sleeping arm as well) all night long and woke in massive pain in the morning.
- Desperate to sleep to just rest and feel lack of pain, but generally unable.
- Lack of motivation
- Lack of enjoyment in normal things
- A realization that things that should be uplifting, or joyful, were not.
- An ability to be around others and genuinely enjoy them and seem (99.9%) of the time as if nothing was wrong if it was a short visit. Short visits are great distractions and opportunities to feel like onesself so they were nice but betrayed what it was like most of the time.
- Knowing I was off but unable to know how to fight what I couldn't see and what was unknown.
- Loss of hope.
- COMPLETE LACK OF CLARITY OR PASSION OR ANYTHING. Even things I wanted to be passionate about.
- A huge void not only for the things I had lost in life, but also for the me I used to be. I had no idea to approach a day not knowing who this "new" person was...! I think I mourned that loss as well! No, I know I did.
They were:
- Daily reading of positive enrichment, personal development courses
- Bible study group, personal bible study and prayer
- Meditation
- Daily exercise and movement
- Excellent sleep hygiene
- Journaling
- Chiropractic adjustments
- Massage
- NSAIDS (daily tylenol, aleve, etc)
- Muscle relaxers
- Caffeine and vitamins
- Joining a service organization (Rotary Club) and volunteering at church
The reality I learned is that those things were working very well to keep me from getting worse, getting me closer to feeling better, and finding what can work and what cannot, at least for me. Looking back, I see that my PERCEPTION was I was so different, not able to fight or be focused, then I realize how much effort I was putting in (see above list) and that in face, I am still the "team no quit" chick I've always been...I just couldn't see or feel the results for quite a while. Plus I had not found the perfect combo of activities.
I share that because if you know logically that something should help, I personally believe you have to trust it is helping and continue to fight rather than quit doing the things that you know help, even if you don't feel better.
Below is a list (and some backstory) of what helped (omitting what has not been helpful), in no particular order.
- The first stage of progress I can identify in retrospect was going to see my doctor and confessing how I felt. That referral lead to a an appointment with a Dr./Therapist who prescribed me prozac and it was actually quite helpful. I stayed on that until I unintentionally weaned off while traveling because i left the prescription at home. The resulting headache during that trip inspired me to try to stay off of it and see how I did.
- Therapy...kind of! I went back to 3 more appointment and my first Dr had retired so I saw a stand in, who contradicted what my GP and firs doc told me, dismissing a problem and saying I was in between seasons basically. I asked for therapy and I was referred to group therapy. I arrived with a notebook ready to work and it was not unhelpful except the lady there alluded that I was too "on it" to need to be there so I didn't feel like I fit. The next time I went I had a 3rd doctor and I just cancelled the appointment. Had I pushed on, I would have gotten better alot faster so - get your therapy! IMO, everyone needs therapy, including me, including now.
- I have had a total commitment to daily exercise/movement. For about a year that was taking the dogs around the block, a few days a week. Then I tried a mile. And it waxed me. But I added some in home workouts. I signed up for 7 minute workouts and they were FANTASTIC! I recommend them to anyone, if you need a small start, or if you're just in a hurry. These were such a great fit for me and I think her training is brilliant. I was unable to do what is usually considered gentle like plank, and several other things. But I did what I could and given my stamina issues, I knew I could do 7 minutes. And I did. This was a foundation that took around 6 months.
- A huge key was keeping a calendar in plain view and marking if I went for a walk or did my 7 minutes that day, or the exercise I have since added on.
- I gave up dreams intensity for consistency. For over a year... (that is a long time!!!!) My biggest focus was on walking the dogs consistently and daily steps using my fitbit and when it died I bought a 3rd generation apple watch. Daily activity was my focus over a huge fitness undertaking. My body just would not allow it. Over time, I felt stamina return and I began just recently adding in more workouts and now we walk a minimum of 2 miles 3-4 x a week and I train with Mike 2-3 times a week doing 20-30 minute crossfit style metabolic workouts that we steal from 2 instagram accounts (https://www.instagram.com/twlwods/ and https://www.instagram.com/tatted_strength/). Its begun to snowball because now I have more energy to do more in a day so its just finally building in the right direction.
- The correct kind of yoga. The next piece of the puzzle for me was yoga for restoration. I did a whole blog on it here called NOT ALL YOGA IS CREATED EQUAL. Yoga is not EASY, nor is it GENTLE. I do want to dispell that myth. I say starting with no more than 10 minutes and 3 times a week was a gracious plenty. I could not sit indian style when I started but day by day, mobility improved and the body definitely heals when you move. So does the mind in my opinion.
- Self massage and adjustments. I gave up massage and chiropractic due to lack of results in this season. In my healthier seasons, they were game changers. Now I rely on a simple neck massager from amazon and these Chirp wheels.
- Inversion table. I probably have not used it in a year and was going to sell it but I am hanging on to it incase I find myself in need. For the really rough times, it was super helpful.
- THC-free CBD - I have tried 4 brands. This has been the one thing that when I added it, everything else slowly began to change and then kept improving month after month. Each thing I have listed actually worked BETTER. IT was like an amplifier for all the things I was doing. And it eliminated the need for NSAIDS, muscle relaxers, copious caffeine (in a desperate attempt to get motivated and focused) It got me over the hump and is the reason that I could do and stick with the yoga, walking, workouts and all of the sudden every single thing I did began to work and I didn't need anything else. It is the one thing I would not give up.
- Meditation. Its a painful thing to learn to do. yet it is powerful. The more I study it the more I understand why it helps so much.
- Sleep hygiene. I place a high priority on sleep. That means over TV, social engagements and I track how much I sleep to spot problems. I set boundaries so that I am well rested on a routine basis.
- Journalling, bible study, and personal development. This is something that I have believed in for decades and I have sustained this habit. After starting CBD and getting some forward momentum with workouts, stamina, and my physical fitness, I found the impetus to write and enjoying that and it was a huge milestone... see "finding joy in things I know I should enjoy/love to do!" that I had lost.
- I took a DNA test to assess my genetics for fitness markers so I could customize my supplements, learn my diet and workout needs and what I am genetically wired to need for optimum health. I learned my fatigue was from b6 deficiency and that I was not sensitive to caffeine so I backed off of that and found the high b6 supplements and foods. I learned several other things that took the guesswork about what is BEST for me. I began to focus on nootropics rather than caffeine for energy with fabulous results.
- Andy Frisella and 75HARD - Of the many personal development things I consume, must highlight this one. I found something struck me with Andy Frisella. He struggles with depression, built a billion + company on the same beliefs I hold regarding business and he firmly believes investing in being his best mentally and physically is the foundation for his best life, personally and professionally. I 100% believe this, as its been 100% true for me. If you are at the beginning of your healing, I want to share that I modified his 75hard parameters and committed to the concept. Today, Im still using the concept and its become the lifestyle that supports me especially since there is a movement, a podcast and since I started he has come out with a book.
- High fiber diet (and water). Learning that I NEED carbohydrates and seek them because of the fatigue... forced me to shift my thinking. Partnering wit a nutritionist and using my own decades of studying nutrition, I knew continuing to lower them to try to reduce the weight on my frame was a lost cause. I shifted from focusing on protein (which levels blood sugar and therefore appetite and mood) to focusing on fiber so that I have the carbohydrates for energy and also the same effects of level blood sugar, and therefore appetite and mood that higher fiber diets provide. Its been a huge reason the weight is melting off - making the movement better, the pain even less, and its a positive spiral up rather than down!
- Volunteering. I will say that I really had to dig deep to keep up with 2 service commitments each week since I started. If this resonates with you, I encourage you to do SOMETHING. It has been hard to be around people and not be myself AT! ALL! But to stay engaged and feel great about helping someone else besides focusing on myself I think is priceless. Not always fun when you are not at your best, but priceless nonetheless.
This is the entirety of my strategy. I take ZERO medicine, NSAIDS, muscle relaxers, chiropractic, physical therapy, etc. And I just had my first massage in a long time. Always beneficial, but not necessary for my daily functioning!
In case you are looking for a framework for what the daily habits look like:
- CBD - first thing every single day
- Vitamins (b6!) and nootropics
- Reading/setting/assessing goals, writing, enrichment, sometimes meditate (usually about 30 min - hour)
- Water - over 1/2 gallon
- Fiber over 35 grams
- Daily workout (yoga, metabolic, 2 mile walk or if I dont do something designated 10,000 steps!)
- Mark my habits on a calendar in plain view so I can see all my momentum and not get caught up in a missed day!
I am so glad to be sharing this and I really hope I hear from others who are struggling, or have struggled and found this helpful and can get back to life. Email me anytime at annathetrainer@me.com with your story, or questions.
Onward and upward,
Anna
